As each day passes, I become more and more convinced that my John, Puppetcancer
, is The One.
Yesterday's proof of this came while we were gaming, playing Warhammer 40K/Dawn Of War/Soulstorm. We both played Ork armies and tag teamed against the computer armies. The first thing that struck me is how we had one another's backs, and that wasn't the part that amazed me. The part that amazed me was... we didn't discuss it or plan it out. We just hauled over to each other and helped one another to protect our bases and build up massive numbers of Orks to go romping off across the map, dominating anything dumb enough to get in their way. But Dudes, we just DID that. We didn't ask, "do you need my help over here?," we just went to each other and continued kicking ass. We won four games in a row together doing this.
What else really warmed my heart is the absolute lack of selfishness between John and myself. In capturing relics and strategic points, we would ask, "do you want this one, Baby? I'll back up off it if you do." We did this constantly throughout that particular game night, just checking in with each other if it's cool if I take this relic/strategic spot or if you want it, and if the other wanted it, the first would indeed back off. And we didn't even question it; if one said, "I want that, can I have it?," it wasn't a conversation. It was a simple, "go for it, Babe, tear that up!" (And we did, 'cause we're Orks and that's how we do.) It reaffirmed something I've said about my love for John long ago, the love that helped convince me to put down Oxycontin so I could pick up the man of my dreams. It is as I've always believed, my love for John is the most unselfish thing about me. My love for him makes me want to be a better person in every day, every way. My love for him is the very thing that redeemed me.
And yeah, I'm aware it's just a game, but it reflects how we are in real life. We're always sharing, whether it's our entrees at dinner or our deepest secrets, and we do not fight. We just don't. I guess we are very lucky in that we have nothing to fight about in the first place! We simply know how to get along, it's instinctual, and we get on like best friends, because, well... we are. He's my best friend. Let me tell you, having your lover and your best friend be the same entity is very convenient. I get good news that I need to run home to tell my boyfriend and my best friend, I only need to tell my story once and I'm done. And I'm blessed so much that it's John Beckwith that I get to tell it to. I'm one VERY lucky girl. That fellow could have any woman he wanted, he is the EXACT type of man that women are looking for -- honest, good, moral, upstanding, cute, funny as hell -- that man could easily have any woman he wanted, and I'm so blessed that it was me he wanted.
I'm very happy right now. And I'm very much in love. I'm in love with my best friend who plays Warhammer 40K with me, laughs with me through the good times and soothes me through the rotten ones. (It also recently became apparent to me that when I'm upset, stressed, sick, injured... the first person I want is John. No one soothes me like he does.)
I guess I'm very aware right now of how good I've got it. Not that life sucked before him, but truly, John makes my life worth living. No, I wouldn't off myself without him, but he makes life an adventure. He makes every day beautiful. He makes my world make sense for me, and everything I've ever done, because all of that was leading up to him. All the drug abuse, the lies, the self hatred, the breakdowns, ALL of it... all of it was leading me to John Beckwith, and if I had to do it all a second time, I would. I would in a heartbeat and without complaint. He was worth everything I had to do and endure to find him... and I found him right here on dA, waiting for me, as he had been all along. He was right under my nose the whole time.
All of my happiest memories, he is in them. What I recall as my happiest, two different times that are neck n' neck, the first where we were just crawling into bed, getting ready to sleep after a long day, he draped his arm over me, kissed my shoulder and said "I love you." I don't know why that one sticks out like it does; it was just really intimate, the way he just openly declared his love for me. Telling someone you love them always carries a risk, but it is rarely not worth the effort. It felt like he was baring it all in that moment; and yes, I replied with "I love you, too."
My second favorite memory that's tied with the first one was when we were laying around together and he fell asleep on my chest/shoulder. I was utterly enchanted with him; I couldn't take my eyes off of this beautiful man, sleeping on me, I couldn't believe that he was mine. I never even imagined love could be like that, so intense that I laid there, gently stroking his hair, watching him as he slept against my chest, and it was the most fascinating thing I'd ever seen in my life. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I remember how he smiled in his sleep and pulled me closer, nuzzling into me while drifting into a twilight state of consciousness. I had to wonder what he was dreaming of that made him smile like that, it was my wish at that moment that it was me he was seeing in his dreams. (One of my favorite parts of my own personal reality is waking up to find myself snuggled up, draped over and sleeping on the shoulder of the subject of my greatest dreams. It's an amazing thing, being so blessed to have your reality be far better than any of your fondest dreams are.)
I've known John is The One for a long time now. I think I've always known. I definitely knew long before we started dating, when we were just friends sharing intellectual banter back and forth, the kind which I would sign onto my account exclusively to check for, my heart slamming into my rib cage upon seeing his username in my inbox. (Do you think that's changed? It hasn't. I still get butterflies over this man, I truly do, and we've been together nearly two and a half years now.) I knew before we started dating, "this is the man for me, no question in my mind." I loved his mind and his intelligence, but more than that, I loved his soul and his purity and goodness. It was so hard, up until April 2nd, 2013, that is, when I told him I was in love with him. Here was this perfect being, right here in front of me, and I thought, "there's no way he wants to date me."
I love, love, LOVE being wrong sometimes.
I'm happy. I'm happier than I've ever been, and the arrival of that in my life directly coincided with John's. He showed up, things were never the same since. Even my brutally awful days aren't quite so bad, because I have him as my mate. My happy times, the happiest of which are spent in his palpable presence, are completely off the charts. No human being has ever been as elated as I am when I find myself in John's presence and, as is most often the case, in his arms. I'm so unbelievably happy, and so much of that is his doing.
So thank you, John. You are my sunshine and the light of my life... and my partner in storming around in Warhammer 40K as Orks. Thanks for being an amazing boyfriend, buddy and playmate. You're magnificent.