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Modern Day Eve

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The iconic Twilight apple.

Change. Irreversable change. Results of decisions you can't take back, you can't fix, you can't do over or repair or modify. Like the bite of the Fruit of the Poisonous Tree, (also a cop terminology we use for "tainted and poisoned evidence," if you should ever care to learn my police-speak language), once done, it was done. There was no going back. There is no "do over" or changing your mind or remedying something that you may later discover was a mistake or not really what you wanted or what you believed it was. I think this concept terrifies me more than most anything else in this crazy, crazy life.... the thought that I could do something so permanent that even if I wanted to take it back, there would be no way to do so makes me shiver.

Especially because I'm currently dealing with that very type of situation in my personal life. Out of courtesy to you reading this, I'm going to go deeper into my personal and medical life in a paragraph or two and it may not be approrpiate for some readers or you may simply not want to think of what I'm about to write. It's a private matter, not something I should be randomly proclaiming to scores of folks on the internet or even the few adored watchers I've been blessed to have on this journey with me, so I want you to have ample opportunity to close this page before I get, for want of better term, up close, personal and maybe a little gross.

Back to the story.

This all drew a small parallel for me because I have a uteran disorder where my body, and pardon me for being gross here, I will mature tag it solely for this, but does not know how to shut off my periods once I get them. I have bled for three months without stopping and by some modern medical marvel or act of God, I didn't die. My body just simply doesn't know how to shut off or stop the lining from growing and shedding, doesn't produce the "shut off" hormone or whatever have you that most other women do. I told you that story to tell you this; because of this, I'm considering having my uterus removed in order to stop this problem. It's one of a handful of options on the table, but it is the one that is irreversable if I choose it, but it is the only surefire way to make this all stop, and slowly, oh so painfully slowly, I'm running out of reasonable, logical and effective options.

Like Bella choosing to change to be with Edward.... in a roundabout way. I'm facing the choice of this horribly painful disorder that I don't have a name for or losing every reproductive option I have at the young age of twenty-eight.

Irreversable. Permanent. No going back. End of the line.

I look at the Twilight apple and think of my own personal choices that I'm facing, perhaps with a bit more quickness than I'd like to admit to myself. Every reproductive option to me gone at twenty-eight. Gone. Like Bella choosing to give up her sacred humanity for the one she "loves," it saddens me.... but it does make me think about what I'm doing now with my treatments and treatment options and realize there are very real consiquences to things we choose and to take them extremely seriously.

I think I can skip telling you that I did not like Bella's choice, found it a setback to the feminist movement by a good seventy or eighty years and simply reinforcing the incorrect and illogical idea that anyone needs to change who they are or sacrifice something so precious to be loved. I'll spare you my rant on this particular subject I thought up while avoiding cleaning out my closet some time ago, though I've not taken the courtesy to spare you much else, and for that I humbly apologize and extend my gratitude for reading my rather odd thoughts as far as you have. Lord knows I would not have.

I found this old drawing whilst pawing through my gallery and purging things and recolored it and touched it up with filters and used a few actions on it, so if this looks familiar to you, chances are more likely than not that it is and you have indeed seen it before. I was just in a sour mood thinking of my personal experience with choices that I had to take it out somehow on something and this, as twisted and bizarre and borderline sick as it is, was how I did it.

Bella Swan-Cullen belongs to Stephenie Meyer.
Art by Mandi Lily Luana Pope, 2011.
Medium: Photoshop Elements 6 with filters and actions downloaded at Rita's The Coffee Shop blog.
Artist's Note: Yes, I realize this is Twilight and I just made a big to-do about it with real life parallels to an impossible fictional universe, and I often try to avoid that on account that it IS, after all, fictional, but ... if you could refrain from being too critical or harsh with me on this particular piece and the things I've said here, I truly would be grateful and probably love you even more than I do right this minute, as we speak and breathe. I'm just having a difficult time coping with the possibilities that are ahead of me and I'm not really writing any of this for the benefit of anyone but myself or with the hope of getting sympathy comments; believe me, I do not need them, though I cannot say how much I appreciate your concern.

This is, in a way, life reflecting in art, or at least my current situations doing so, so if you could be kind and spare your harsher words for a more deserving piece than this, (if you can find one, that is, and it shouldn't be much of a trick, just click anything in my gallery), as I said before, I'd appreciate it.

In advance, because I know people are good and caring and for reasons I don't fully comprehend, the Good Lord tends to keep sending these folks in my direction, I want to thank you for any kind words dropped here or there, any prayers or well wishes or even just for the few moments you took to read more about my (very) personal life. I'm not asking for anything for myself, but I would like to ask you ladies and even you gents to take a moment to be thankful for the options we have today in our reproductive responsibilites and rights. You won't fully value them until you are facing not having them at all.


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© 2011 - 2024 MandiLoriAnn
Comments14
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Jado-the-Shadow's avatar
My love and prayers are with you. I can relate a little because I have PCOS( period lasted 3-4 months), but luckly mine can be controlled with medication. I am so sorry to here about your choice. I hope you can find the best for you to survive and live.