Tonight's been good to me, primarily because I just tallied it up and realized... I am having WAY fewer cravings as of late. Like markedly less. And less is more and more is good. If that makes any sense.
No.
Moving on, I'm going to be twenty-one months sober on August 10th, so I purchased myself my monthly celebratory piece of jewelry and giving it to myself on August 10th at 8:08PM, the precise moment when I distinctly remember waking up and being done detoxing and finally, after all that time, being free. In celebration of said occasion, I bought myself a sigil ring from BadaliJewelry.com, where I get pretty much all of my jewelry exclusively, minus a jewelry shop in John's hometown where I pick something up each time I visit. The sigil ring is special to me because it is a replica belonging to the title character of the first play I was in where I starred in the female lead; Dracula. (I was Mina Harker in that, for all parties interested. Don't all rush me at once now.... oh, wait, we ended the arrogance a few paragraphs up, my apologies. Strike this from the proverbial record.)
The sigil ring, back to my topic I wandered off from. Here it is -- badalijewelry.com/Vampire/Vamp…. I picked mine in Ruby enamel, and it's a ring from The Order of the Dragon, which Vlad the Impaler, the inspiration for Count Dracula himself, was inducted into at the age of five. (FIVE, Dudes. Count 'em, FIVE YEARS OLD.) I really love the history and lore tied to the ring. The concept pleases me. So I picked one up and will give it to myself at 8:08PM on August 10th -- my twenty-first month sober.
And truly... I'm fine with splurging on my anniversary of sobriety once a month... and I find it's a good incentive, motivation and reward, there have been moments where I've purchased something already and have it set aside for the tenth of the month, get a drug craving and have to say, "okay, you already spent the money, now you HAVE to go through with it. You can't use drugs, at least not this month because you bought the reward already and you can't return it." Well, yes, I can, I merely don't WANT to return it, haha! And hey, sometimes Badali is helpful about that because they won't return or refund custom made items... and my sigil ring is custom.
I know it appears like I spend easily on myself, the reality is, I don't. Don't really want to, but in part, it's smarter if I do because then I have to stick to my sobriety in order to attain what I've already bought. I usually buy my jewelry a month ahead of time and put it away for later, because it is as I said -- if I already spent the money, I've removed my choice to do drugs. In my mind, if I already have the reward, even if it's stashed away in my underwear drawer in the left hand back corner, then I have already committed to it. I do want the reward, but the big thing that drives me is, "dammit, Mandi Pope, you spent a chunk of change on that and I will NOT let you waste it! Now put on your big girl panties and DEAL WITH IT."
I am my own drill sergeant. That, and just3pugs gave me a shirt that says that big girl panties deal, and it cracks me up and inspires me and reminds me of my sister all at the same time.
So that's what I did this evening. I picked out the prize for twenty-one months clean. I'm oddly motivated by it. Maybe understandably so, because who doesn't like being rewarded for their hard work? I feel only mildly guilty for it because truly, the reward for being sober is being sober. Never having to detox again. Never having to hide who you are or what you do again. Finally living your life in congruence with your values. Um, finally having values, period. I cannot begin to tell you how much I've been rewarded for giving up drugs by giving up drugs... that reward? A million sigil rings couldn't touch the absolute joy I have in living clean.
And I only hope that someday I can help other addicts find the peace I've made with God, and maybe more poignantly so, the peace I've made with Mandi Pope. She and I are on good terms. I like the girl and she likes me. We can finally appreciate each other now that we don't have the ocean that was drugs that used to come between us.
That... and John's never seen me high. He's the one person in my life that never has -- and God help me, he's never going to. The fact he doesn't know what kind of a monster I can be? That's sacred. I was telling him earlier that he knows me better than anyone, but I should have followed that up with "but you never knew what kind of beast I could be, and I'm never going to show you, either." Furthermore, there's a line of folks in my proverbial dating wake who never got me, and I'm not screwing up my chances with the one man who did.
Sheesh, tonight's just an all around empowering night.
With this, I'm going to go sit on my unruly butt and watch The Lego Movie on DVD -- my first theater movie date that I had with John in March. I even remember the exact date -- March 1st at 1:01PM. I know that because the ticket stub from that date is in my wallet for good luck.
God love you like I do, my Possums.
Mandi Pope Possum
